Q: Straight male, 48, married 14 years, three kids under age ten. Needless to say, life is busy at our house. My wife and I have stopped having sex. It was my decision. I get the obligation vibe combined with a vanilla sex life, and it just turns me off. We’ve had many conversations about it, and we want to find a balance. But it always defaults back to infrequent and dull, making me frustrated and cranky. For the past two months, I’ve tried to just push sex out of my mind. We live mostly as parenting roommates. We used to be pretty kinky—dirty talk, foursomes, toys, porn, etc.—but all those things wear her out now, and her interest has disappeared. My guess is that she was just playing along with my kinks to keep me happy and is now over it. Is this just life as a 48-year-old married father of three? —Hard-Up Husband
Q: I’m one of those bi guys. I had trouble dating girls in high school and at 18 found guys so much darn easier. And as sexual promiscuity in the gay world goes, I got around there easily. Fast-forward a few years. I’m in college now and desiring women and stability more. But women find me weird and awkward—I admit I am—something I was never judged for in the gay world. I’d love to find a bisexual woman to start a family with who is up for mutually agreed-upon swing-and-fun sessions with others. But from what I’ve experienced with girls so far—always on the watch for a “player,” zero understanding of male bisexuality—that seems far from possible. Lately I’ve just been sitting on my hands in social situations, afraid to even interact with women. Is this therapy worthy? —Upset Pittsburgher in Troubling Times
Q: About your answer to WHAT, the lady whose boyfriend “accidentally” ass-fucked her. “I didn’t mean to stick my dick in your ass” is in my experience a lie men tell who want it so bad they’re prepared to hurt their partner, or men who think their partner will say no if asked and just don’t care. In all cases, these are men who don’t even begin to understand how anal sex works. As you say, it’s not an accident. But what you don’t say is that these men are telling lies in order to get out of taking responsibility for their desires and the fact that they’ve hurt their partners. Men who want to have anal sex need to talk that through with their partners and then either figure out how to do it safely and pleasurably, accept that it’s not happening, or break up if it’s a deal breaker. I’ve had way too many conversations with women friends about the pain and anger and sometimes shame that they’ve felt when male partners have just stuck it in abruptly, unlubricated, and without permission. It makes me really angry that this is something that men can describe as an “accident” without any pushback, and honestly it was kind of gross and disappointing when your answer was just jokes about butt plugs. —Whatever Acronym Strongly Stresses Underlying Point
