Q: Sex-positive bi woman here. I have recommended your column to many people over the years to help them feel normal and human in their kinks, fantasies, sexuality, etc. But I’m having a more difficult time extending similar acceptance to myself. I was in a three-year relationship with a cis straight man. I recently moved across the country for graduate school and this was the catalyst for me to put my foot down about opening the relationship in order to get my sexual needs met. He agreed and we tried being open but he found it too emotionally challenging, so now we are on a “break.”
I don’t know what his issues are, FUCKING, and neither do you. All we know for sure is that he has issues and, whatever else they might be, they are disqualifying. You asked for the only accommodation that might make it possible for you to stay in this relationship and stay sane—opening it up so you could seek sexual satisfaction elsewhere—and he couldn’t handle it.
Q: I’m a 59-year-old gay man with a problem I’ve struggled with for all of my active sex life. I rarely orgasm during sex. I’m now involved with a couple that has welcomed me to be part of a loving relationship and they want me to be as satisfied as they are. I enjoy pleasing both of them, but they also want me to be pleased. I appreciate this but I feel pressured to come and I just can’t. Any time I feel pressured to do anything I start to feel defensive and shut down. I enjoy being with these men very much and I want so much to share myself with them. How can I overcome this? I feel like I’m letting them down, and to be honest, I feel like there’s something wrong with me because I can’t orgasm during sex. Any help you can suggest is greatly appreciated. —Can’t Orgasm Mostly Ever
