Q: I’m a twentysomething straight woman. About a month ago, I had a really vivid dream in which I was at a party and engaging with a guy I had just met. We were seriously flirting. Then my fiance showed up—my real, flesh-and-blood, sleeping-next-to-me fiance—who we’ll call G. In the dream, I proceeded to shower G with attention and PDA; I was all over him in a way we typically aren’t in public. I was clearly doing it to get a reaction from the guy I’d just spent the last dream hour seducing. It was as if it had been my plan all along. Last night, I had a similar dream. This time, the guy was an old high school boyfriend, but otherwise it was the same: flirty baiting, followed by the use of G to reject and humiliate the other guy. I was really turned on by these dreams. In real life, whenever another woman has flirted with G, I get aroused—conscious of some feelings of jealousy but drawing pleasure from them. And when other men have flirted with me, I get similarly aroused for G. There is definitely a component in that arousal that wants to tease and mock these other men with what they can’t have, even though the teasing is just in my head. I would NEVER use another person like I do in these dreams/fantasies, because it’s cruel. But could this become a healthy role-playing outlet for me and G? Are there ethical implications to hurting strangers (albeit imaginary ones) for sexual pleasure? From what little I know of degradation/humiliation kinks, it’s important that the person being degraded is experiencing pleasure and satisfaction. Is it healthy to make someone’s (again, an imaginary someone’s) unwilling pain a part of our pleasure? If G is into it, this would be our first foray into fantasy/role-playing/whatever. But I worry that I might be poisoning the well by pursuing something so mean-spirited. —My Extra-Arousing Meanness
Once G is on board, MEAN, you can start with a little role-playing about this scenario. Then, once you’ve established that this is as exciting for G as it is for you, advertise for your willing third. The Internet is for porn, first and foremost, but it’s also pretty good at bringing like-minded kinksters together. As long as your third consents to the play and gets off on it, you aren’t poisoning the well or doing harm. And if you’re worried it won’t be as much fun if your victim is a willing participant, MEAN, remember there will be witnesses, i.e., other people in the bar who won’t know it was a setup, and in their eyes you will be cruelly humiliating this poor schmuck.
