Q: I’m a man from a very liberal background. Recently, a girl I started dating—a girl from a similar background—mentioned that she has “a thing for Black guys.” She also met my childhood best friend, a man of Korean descent, and commented to me that she found him handsome despite not typically being attracted to Asian guys. The position I’ve always held is that we’re attracted to individuals, not types, and that it’s wrong to have expectations of people based on race—especially when it comes to sexualizing/fetishizing people. I think we should date and have sex with whomever we want and not carry prejudiced expectations into our relationships. I am worried she sees Black men as stereotypes of athleticism, confidence, and the other complicated constructions we’ve made about the Black body, like Black men having bigger dicks. I also worry that she might see me as less masculine and less well-endowed because of my race. I eventually asked her about these issues, and we had a tense conversation. I tried to ask if she had ever checked herself for possible prejudice where her sexual desires are concerned, and she shut the conversation down by accusing me of trying to control her. I’m trying to balance two components: my own insecurity and the possibility that she’s holding a legitimately prejudiced opinion that makes me uncomfortable. Any advice?—Seeking to Interrogate Newish Girlfriend’s Statements
It’s a shame your girlfriend reacted defensively when you tried to bring all this up, STINGS, but sometimes people react defensively in the moment and then keep thinking about it. My advice: Keep bringing it up—but it would help if you owned your own shit during these conversations rather than just self-righteously going after your girlfriend for her shit. I have to say, though, I disagree with you on one thing: People do have types, and there’s nothing wrong with having types. It’s a good idea to ask ourselves whether our “types” are actually ours and not just assigned to us by conventional standards of beauty (white, slim, young) or a thoughtless/fetishizing reaction to those standards (a desire to transgress with nonwhite, larger, or older folks).
